Idiots and Idioms
by HecateA
Summary: In which Percy's vocabulary and language quality would make Sally proud while it annoys the Hades out of Frank. Oneshot.


**HAPPY SEA OF MONSTERS MOVIE RELEASE DAY!**

**About a thousand years ago somebody won a oneshot from me and here I am, finally delivering! Thank you for the premise, it was really fun to write!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the following characters or settings.**

**Dedication: To Louisa4533 who asked for humour and the quote: "But the next time I say you're totally BEAST-"?**

* * *

**Idioms and Idiots**

He was pretty out of it, mechanically combing his fingers through Hazel's hair to keep himself awake.

Frank thought that it was pretty safe to say that out of all of the Argo II's crew, the Big Three kids were the most exhausted. Percy, Hazel and Jason had all kept giants and even a primordial god busy without the help of gods when resources lacked during the battles. Jason had actually tried to help clear the wounded from the battlefield after the battle, and had collapsed. Reyna had evicted him from the grounds and to Olympus where they were supposed to stay.

Hazel was just sleeping now. Frank had talked her into it.

Percy wandered over. He was limping, ambrosia could only do so much work immediately, but there was a grin on his face. Athena had probably wanted to talk to Annabeth and kicked him out, because Frank couldn't really think of a reason why they _wouldn't _be presently glued to each other.

Percy sat down on the edge of the fountain with them. Hazel didn't stir at all.

"She's knocked out cold," Percy said.

"Yeah," Frank said. "It was her first war, and she had the night shift on the boat last night…"

"I guess," Percy said. "She'll be okay."

"Yeah," Frank said.

"We'll all be."

"Yeah," Frank said. His mind was fuzzy. Transforming on and off all the time hadn't been much fun. He felt like he was going to slump against Percy and start snoring himself. "Today was exhausting."

Percy nodded. "It was even worse than the Titan War."

"Glad I missed that one," Frank said. "I don't think that I could've done two in a row."

"I think you're underestimating yourself," Percy said. "Today you were pretty… beast."

He had to say it.

Frank's look must've been really good because Percy started cackling like a hyena.

"If Hazel wasn't sleeping I would hit you," Frank said.

Percy didn't stop laughing.

* * *

"I can't believe you spent 2,99$ on that," Hazel said, her nose crinkled and her eyebrows frowned in the most adorable form of worry known to man.

"Plus taxes," Percy nodded pulling the box open. "They're wrapped in another plastic wrapper, why would you do that?"

"Maybe so you have the time to think twice about eating chocolate covered bugs?" Frank asked.

"I don't know, I'm pretty invested in this," Percy said ripping the plastic bag open. Crickets and larvae (according to the box) covered in milk or white chocolate tumbled into his palm. Percy investigated them.

"This one, I think, is a cricket. It has little antenna things, whereas the round one here…"

"Gross," Hazel said taking a step backwards. Percy thrust his hand towards her and Hazel shrieked and ran off a few more steps. Percy held his hand out to Frank.

"Zhang, want to eat one first and be the _guinea pig?" _He said.

"Screw you," Frank said.

Percy laughed.

* * *

"Hey," Percy said popping up near the fields of Mars. They were supervising a game of dodge ball because neither of them felt like setting up the obstacle courses or doing anything serious today. It was Friday.

"Look at what the cat in dragged," Dakota said.

"Nice to see you too, Kota," Percy said. "Zhang."

Frank nodded his greetings. "I didn't know you were coming."

"Neither did I until I got to Camp for the weekend and Annabeth found me," Percy said. "Politics with Jason and Reyna or something? Anyways, I thought that we could go to Berkley again. I have to pick something up for my mom's birthday."

"Sure," Frank said. "But not now. Or tonight. Or tomorrow morning. There's, like, senate meetings and war games and stuff- it never ends."

"Wow," Percy said. "You're just a busy, busy _bee_ aren't you?" Percy said.

Frank smacked him _so_ hard.

* * *

Frank was transporting some firewood to the amphitheater as part of Cabin Five's chores of the day. Whenever he was at camp, he insisted on helping since most of Clarisse's siblings were too jerky to even consider lending her a hand.

Percy and Annabeth were walking around, going through reports and cabin inspections together.

"Wow, all that wood in one trip?" Percy called out to Frank. "You really are strong as an ox."

Frank dropped a pile of wood in frustration.

* * *

Once a week he got to play hockey. There was a house league in New Rome that was ready to take in legionnaires on their free nights. It made him about 95% less homesick, no matter how much the others laughed at him for doing such a painfully Canadian thing.

Percy was, for some reason, sitting with the players instead of with the crowd. He was screwing around with the guys on the bench and asking stupid questions like _what does 'offside' mean?_

"Change of plans," the coach said frustrated. "We're pulling the goalie. Henderson, your line's going in with Zhang. Kid, you aren't too tired?"

"Nope," Frank said. Percy patted his shoulder.

"Go get 'em _tiger." _

Frank actually flashed him tiger teeth before putting his mouth guard in and jumping into the rink.

* * *

So for some reason the gods had rebuilt Zhang Mansion, probably figuring 'why the hell not?' while they rebuilding Camp Half-Blood, which now meant that Frank was in charge of an estate.

Great. That was _totally_ what he'd wanted.

He wasn't about to _live _in it on his own. It was huge. It wasn't like Hazel took that much space in it either, so they still had the echoing problems that made the house creepy to live in.

So Frank had made the executive decision to turn it back into what it'd been when it was built and before the Zhang family had closed it up; a safe haven and training facility for legacies, except this time for demigods too. He figured that as long as the attic and the left wing of the main floor were off-limits, he could still _live _in the house. The rest of it… well, whatever.

He had Annabeth bringing in her half-completed degree to figure out how to make the house functioning.

The left wing was a functioning apartment that would be off-limits. It had a kitchen and bathroom and whatnot. The right wing was an emergency care infirmary, for demigods stumbling in in bad shape. There was a dorm that could be comfortable for up to three healers, and an industrial kitchen.

The second floor was turned into two dorms for the injured. There were also bathrooms.

The third floor was built with individual room for non-injured demigods. An apartment was already being designed for Ella the harpy, who was flighty and could probably use a third destination as home other than the camps. Hazel was pretty happy with the idea of Ella being their librarian.

Seeing as the gods hadn't given them a budget, Annabeth had thrown in exercise and game rooms downstairs and a small but sufficient library. They were also building stables outside for pegasi and Arion. The whole building was wheelchair friendly, with elevators going from the bottom to the top of the house, and one specifically to get demigods from the second floor to the first floor.

Frank nearly felt like he was living in a hotel, but he figured that it was for the best. Roman roads (probably magical) connected Zhang Mansion with Camp Jupiter which meant that demigods could get there within half a day's march. If there was ever an accident involving mass injury again, this would be the place to go instead of installing mats on the infirmary floor.

And even then- there were training facilities in the forest that Frank's grandmother had used to train his mom, and they were all still intact. It could totally be used as an extra training facility too. Jason and Reyna were in, anyways.

Cabins were being built in the woods for demigods to actually spend time in the summer together. Chiron and Lupa both spoke of sending Greek and Roman half-bloods off together so that they'd learn to get along. Well, this worked.

The last time that Zhang Mansion had been run as a sanctuary, it'd been the hub of Canadian demigods, however few of them existed.

The re-opening of a third, multicultural demigod sanctuary, required a lot of renovations, of course. Which was the case with most cool ideas... Because it would be hard to explain to people why they were building what looked like an illegal hotel, demigods were helping out.

Valdez was teaching some very scared unclaimed Romans how to properly apply drywall after nearly fainting at their poor handy work.

"He's on this project like a fat kid on a Smartie," Piper said, putting paint in her hair as she brushed it back.

"Not as much as Frank, though," Percy said. "Frank's on it like a _dog _sniffing a butt."

"Oh, for the love of…" Hazel trailed off, shaking her head.

"That wasn't even a good one!" Frank said defensively.

That didn't stop Percy from cackling to himself.

* * *

"This all looks super good, Hazel." Annabeth said as Hazel plopped the pot of jambalaya on the table.

"No problem," she said pulling her oven mitts off. "I usually don't get a crowd to cook for."

"We're certainly excited to eat something that's not reheated," Piper said shooting Leo and Jason accusative glares. That was how _they _cooked.

"Yeah," Percy said. He elbowed Frank. "It kind of makes you want to _pig out."_

They made him eat under the table.

* * *

"Hazel, I really can't find it," Frank said walking back in the living room with his hand in his hair.

Hazel rolled her eyes and stomped into the bedroom. She opened a drawer and pulled out the little red present that he'd been toiling to find. She wasn't even _looking._

"Geez Zhang," Percy said. "You're blind as a _bat _aren't you?"

"Not now," Hazel scolded. "We're going to be late for Piper's party."

* * *

Frank was feeling as jittery as he had that one time he'd gone to Starbucks with Piper and she'd talked him into trying an espresso. He was pacing the room with his main textbook opened in front of him, various loose-leaf notes rewritten again and again tucked between the pages.

"_Ants_ in your pants?" Percy asked nodding towards his pacing.

Frank didn't even look up.

"Holy _cow," _Percy said. "Medical school really does drown the fun out of people. I can't believe how much it makes you _clam _up. If I were under all that pressure, I would have _chickened _out long ago. It would have made me sick as a _dog. _I'm proud of you for taking the _bull _by the horns."

Frank slammed his book shut.

"Are you _done?" _He asked.

Percy grinned. "They estimate that there's over 8.7 million species of animals in the world, and my parents have English degrees. So no, probably not."

* * *

"I don't know," Hazel said. "I keep feeling like if I invite my dad, things would be awkward, but if I don't, things will still be awkward. Are you even _supposed _to invite your immortal parent to your wedding?"

"There's not exactly a rulebook," Annabeth said. "It doesn't happen often enough."

"You guys invited them, right?" Hazel checked nervously.

"I casually dropped the date, time and location when I was on Olympus for the reconstruction," Annabeth said. "They came."

She chewed on her lip.

"Frank?"

"What?" He asked zoning back into the conversation.

"Opinion? Advice? Thoughts? Feelings?" Hazel asked.

Frank started sweating.

"About what?" He finally said, settling on 'honesty is the best policy'.

"No wonder he was quiet as a _mouse, _he wasn't listening," Percy said.

Frank shot Percy a look full of warning. _You make another joke and I'm telling Annabeth that you didn't actually pick the suit you wore for _your _wedding and that you actually made Rachel and a small group of Cabin 10 mercenaries do it._

They came to an understanding.

* * *

Frank couldn't stop fiddling with his hands. They were getting all sweaty and he was wearing a suit- this was _so _not the time.

"I'm nervous," he said.

Jason, Leo and Percy looked up.

"As a _cat_ in a room full of rocking chairs?" Percy asked.

Jason punched him in the arm.

"Thanks Jason," Frank mumbled. He didn't know why he was nervous. It wasn't like he was getting cold feet or regretting anything.

"Look," Jason said getting up. "It's normal."

"He's right," Percy said getting up. He patted Frank on the back. "It's actually excitement. But it feels like nerves. Kind of like they chameleon- that wasn't on purpose don't hit me!"

"Like battle jitters," Jason said.

"Right," Percy said. "Really, don't sweat it. You'll be fine."

"I mean, it's Hazel right?" Jason asked.

"Right," Frank said.

"Exactly! That's the way to say it. It's just Hazel," Percy said. "She's just going to be so gorgeous that you're going to want to cry. That's it, man. That's absolutely it."

"You've seen her?" Frank asked, his nerves melting into curiosity.

"Are you kidding?" Percy said. "No. I'm not on this earth to do _anything _related to wedding preparation."

"Leo's seen her," Jason said.

"For real?" Frank said. "When? You were with me all day."

"He was wedding dress shopping with the girls," Percy said.

Jason and Frank starred Leo down.

"I really will be the gay uncle to your kids," Leo realised quietly.

* * *

Frank was focusing his energy on passing his fingers through Hazel's hair. He hadn't seen her since he'd come home from Germany on leave for a week a few months ago when he'd managed to show up for Christmas, and he wasn't about to let go of her anytime soon. Especially since she was pregnant.

"I still like Elisabeth," she said.

The doctors said that the baby was a boy. Hazel was sure that it was a girl, and nobody was fighting her on it.

"With an s or a z?" Piper asked.

"I haven't gotten that far," Hazel said. "I don't even know if I want to name a baby Elisabeth."

"Why not? It's cute," Annabeth said.

"But it's a Greek name," Hazel said. "It just feels… weird. Already I think that Grandmother is rolling over in her grave since we're not going with a Chinese name. Plus it finishes with 'beth'."

"What's wrong with a name finishing with 'beth'?" Annabeth asked.

"She doesn't want it to be like yours," Jason said. He'd clearly had this discussion with Hazel before.

They were all in California for Fortuna's Feast. They'd taken advantage of the situation by having a focus group to try and figure out what to name the baby once it came.

"Elisa is cute," Piper said. She was sitting on the floor cross-legged.

"I work with an Elisa," Hazel said. "Plus she's the nasty person."

"Okay, well, you've got to have other ideas," Annabeth said.

"I keep remembering really old names," Hazel said. "Like Katherine."

"Katherine's fine," Jason said.

"Katherines are everywhere because of the princess," Hazel said.

"Frank, surely you have some input," Percy said. "Cat's got your tongue?"

"More like jet-lag," Frank said. "I don't know. The name doesn't really matter to me. I just… I just want a healthy baby."

Hazel smiled at him and snuggled closer. Frank's arm now fell where her belly was.

"Stop being sappy and just say something," Annabeth said.

Frank shrugged. "You guys were talking about Lucy earlier? It's short and sweet and uncommon, but way better than Agnes."

"Case closed," Hazel said. "Lucy it is."

Frank frowned.

"Did Percy just make an animal joke earlier?" He asked.

Everyone laughed at that one.

"Holy cow you _are _jet-lagged." Percy smiled.

* * *

_"Rock-a-bye baby, do not you fear_  
_Never mind, baby, mother is near_  
_Wee little fingers, eyes are shut tight_  
_Now sound asleep - until morning light."_

Hazel would kill him for singing a song which involved occupied cradles plummeting to an infant's sure death, but he didn't know that many lullabies.

Anyways, he was 90% sure that she was out cold. Okay, maybe not ninety. But confident enough to try and put her down despite the fact that failure meant that bloody murder would be ringed through the house again.

He put Lucy down in the crib. Her name was spelled out in colourful letters over the crib. He put her down and was super slow and quiet about walking away from the crib. But nope; Lucy was sleeping for good.

_Score. _

He made sure that the baby monitor was on and closed the door gently. Percy was in the living room when he emerged; having crashed at Zhang Mansion after having to make a delivery run from camp to camp.

"Is she asleep?" He asked.

"Oh yeah."

"Knew it. You're gentle as a _lamb _with her."

Frank rolled his eyes and went to the kitchen to finish washing the dishes from supper. The water was cold, but they'd had a very complicated evening.

Percy followed him.

"Hey," he said pulling himself onto the counter. "I know that I tease you a lot, but I am serious. You really are pretty beast. As a guy, _and _as a Dad."

Frank grinned. "Thanks. So what am I supposed to tell you? You're exc-_sea-_ptional?"

"Don't you dare," Percy said shoving him.


End file.
